The only down bit is a lot of my mates have left, so some days I don't get to sniff any mates on the beach or on my walks, but I do get to town most days. That's my fix, cream and biscuits, while my humans take in the caffeine or alcohol, or both !
There has been a lot strange things going on lately, dads have been going into shops I don't get to go in. One of the shops has an illuminated sign saying "Real State". and I must admit they have been. All I have heard is "only in Spain" "one more rubber stamp and I'll murder" "they must be joking". Then yesterday I went with them, and I thought it was to the bar in Isla Plana. But we ended up at the back of the village, at the foot of the mountains. When we get out of my little red car, we are at a new empty house, and it had lots of cool tiled floor for me to spread all my bits on to, its was great. So I am not sure what's happening, but I get the feeling Priscilla's on her way out, and we may not be suffering a UK winter again, all will be revealed no doubt !
So I said I was putting a few "smiles" together, and here are the first, which were sent to me by Val in London, not sure where she finds the time to send me e.mails, with all the auditions she is doing at the moment !!!
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How fights get started…
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, **************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office! She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too' And then the fight started..... **************** Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And that's how the fight started .. **************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... **************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started..... **************** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And then the fight started..... **************** A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.' And then the fight started..... And finally A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!" Leopold |
